


human disaster

by sharlook



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Bisexuality, Depression, Medication, Multi, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-04 01:42:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5315507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharlook/pseuds/sharlook
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You think a depressed person could make this?"</p>
<p>AKA the depressed!Ben fic. With bonus bisexual!Ben.</p>
            </blockquote>





	human disaster

Ben Wyatt is 17 and standing at a train station on his way home, thinking about all the work he has to get in this week, and how it probably doesn’t matter anyway, and how there’s not many people on the platform this late, and wondering what it would feel like to take that one easy step forward and into the path of the next train. Then he thinks about how that’s a stupid idea, and only messed up people think that sort of stuff, and he’s good in school and his parents are okay and he’s fine. He’s fine. He’s not upset, just empty, and maybe a bit dead inside but hey, everyone gets that. Everyone knows it doesn’t really matter.

He looks at the world around him and it feels fake, like a stage set that might collapse at any moment, distant through dry ice fog. A voice masked by static tells him the next train will not be stopping at this station. His train isn't for another 15 minutes. He knows it's cold but he can't feel it on his exposed arms or face anymore. He wonders, idly, if he's lost all sense of feeling. Maybe that's why he's like this.

The train's headlights appear at the end of the platform. Ben closes his eyes and tries to remember feeling something. He wonders if the train hitting him would be numb as well, takes a deep breath and steps forward-

and suddenly there's strong hands grabbing his arm and wrenching him back, pulling him off his feet

-the screaming whoosh of the train, wind buffering him - someone shouting "Jesus Christ", someone else swearing and guiding him to a bench -

He thinks the train's still going past for a minute until he realises it's his own breath and his heartbeat thrumming in his ears, and he thinks, _Where was this adrenaline when I needed it?_

 

An hour later and he's taking that back when he's sitting in the police station and it hasn't stopped and he's staring into his lap while a policeman asks him for his address and he's pretty sure he's never felt more anxious in his life.

 

\---

 

After the catastrophe that was Ice Town, Ben goes to college as quickly as he can to get himself back in some kind of work routine, for something to keep him busy. At age 19 he's studying accounting, makes a dungeons and dragons group with his roommates, gets involved with the student radio. Every evening at 6 he makes his way across campus to the studios to present his show, lingering in the doorway as the guy before him finishes his own show. Ben tries not to think about how soft said guy's dark blonde hair looks. This is the year that Ben Wyatt begrudgingly recognises his bisexuality.

After a few months of smiles and awkward waves and tech-talking he finally works up the nerve to ask the guy - Oliver, as it happens - out. They sit drinking lattes in an overly warm coffee shop across the road from Oliver's student housing and talk about anything, everything - class, books, family, Ben even tells him about his parents' increasingly unstable marriage, about the fear of the police- although not about the train. Oliver listens, puts a hand on Ben's arm and smiles, kisses him on the cheek before he leaves. Ben really likes him, which makes it just that bit more devastating when Oliver breaks up with him for "moping." Ben tries to tell him that he can't help it, sometime's he's just- down, he's not with it, that he's okay, but Oliver leaves anyway.

Ben gets back into old habits and spends days in bed.

 

\---

 

At 31 he starts working as a state auditor. It's a good job, with good people, something for him to do. The maths and the business he understands; it's what he knows, what he's good at, and he and his partner Chris work well together. He goes into work for 9am every morning, eats lunch at his desk, goes home and watches whichever movie is playing on Syfy that night, and he's okay. There are still moments, though, when he's not up to scratch.

One lunchtime he sits motionless at his desk staring blankly at his screen, sandwich lying abandoned on the worktop. Chris looks over at him from the other desk, asks him if he's alright. Ben's hands are too heavy to move from his lap. He doesn't really register the time passing, only that a short while later a cup of some fruity-smelling tea is on his desk and Chris is sitting next to him talking about "endorphin boosters" and, god forbid, _jogging_. He can tell the man means well, though, so he musters up the energy to slowly pick up the cup and take a sip, giving a slight smile (despite the tea being disgusting).

 

\---

 

Ben Wyatt is 38 and is telling all of this to the most beautiful woman he's ever met, telling her every up and down over a beer in her living room, and it might be because he's a bit tipsy but it's probably because she _understands_.

He tells her about all the little times at work, and the times during his various breakups, all the while excusing them with "That's just what kids do, I was young, I was stupid," working his way back until before he realises it he's telling her about this one time when he was at a train station and he almost took that one easy step.

Leslie instantly pulls him into a tight hug, resting her head on his shoulder. Ben doesn't realise his eyes are watering until she starts carding her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, and he holds onto her for dear life.

"Babe, if I'd known you'd been feeling like this..." she starts, not knowing how to finish, but Ben knows what she meant, and that's enough.

"But I mean, there's..." he struggles to find the words. "There's 'depressed,'" he says, his hands forming inverted commas that Leslie knows are there even if she can't see them, "And there's... _depressed_ depressed."

Leslie pulls back, her hands on his shoulders. "Your feelings are valid, y'know."

Ben responds with a shrug and an eyebrow twitch.

"If you get ill, you take medicine to make it better," she says, smiling at him and catching his eye as he awkwardly looks down into his lap. "same thing with your brain. I can help you get medication, if you want?"

Ben looks up, a nervous anticipation in his stomach. "I'd like that."

Leslie beams, and kisses him, and everything feels like it might just be okay.


End file.
